onsdag 13. april 2011

Facing Team Gary

I don't like Team Gary. I don't like that they are in Phoenix. I don't like that they exist. I don't like their fans. And I refuse to refer to them as the Coyotes. I will hereby call them the Garys or the name of some team they should have been. Now... time to preview the hell outta this biotch!

The Wings
Lots have been said. You've already read it everywhere and anywhere. If they play like they've done for much of the time since December, we're royally fucked. If they play like they did on Sunday, we'll win the cup. Let's hope the switch is permanently ON! The loss of Z stings. He probably won't be entirely healthy for the entire cup run. But if he can get in and at least give his best, he is an asset. Some more thoughts:

- Pavel looked DOMINANT in Chicago. Turning it on for the playoffs? God, I hope so. We might have some spectacular stuff coming up!
- Mule has SUCKED lately. He's been terrible. A) He needs to learn to play defensively again and more importantly (this is where I'd place the "B)", but I'm too weird to bother) he needs to score like it's the goddamn playoffs, cause it is!
- Look for Modano and his experience to be a nice help for Detroit in this series.
- Can Jimmah step it up?
- The kids will play a huge role for the Wings. They'll be excellent. Bank on it!
- Some D would be kinda nice. And less turnovers.

The Winnipeg Jets goaltending
- Ilya Bryzgalov's 36 wins, 2.48 GAA, .921 Save percentage (shouldn't that read 92.1 if we're dealing in percentages? Americans...) and 7 shutouts are impressive. He's a good goalie. He's the biggest threat to the Wings. But he hasn't been as good this year. And we all know he struggles with slapshots from Homer, which has been a frequent occurence (once) lately. So...

- The other goalies won't play, cause they suck, but I think they're named LaBarbera (Feminine proper noun form of a girls name?) and Clime. But they suck. Dick. Hard.

The Hamilton Tigers D
- Adrian Aucoin is old. But he doesn't use wooden sticks anymore. He is also +18. Wait, what??? He never scores any points though.
- Ed Jovanovski is an immoveable object. Except when he's out of position, which is always.
- Derek Morris has the same +/- as Lidström and must rock. Right?
- Keith Yandle... Good stats, but I haven't heard his name in the Norris conversation since... uh... a long time ago. He was good last year, but due to the silence about him I'll just go ahead and assume that he sucks now.
- Roszival is kind of a feminine name. Just sayin'.

The Quebec Nordiques forwards
- Shane Doan leads the team in points with 60 and in goals with 20. He is also looking to match his regular season 67 PIM during the first round. Gonna be fun to see him run around like a headless chicken trying to murder our players. Can anyone say overrated douche?
- Ray Whitney is still not a player I'd ever trust in crunch time.
- Radim Vrbata has too many consonants at the beginning of his last name. He also scored 19 goals.
- Eric Belanger is on this team now? How many teeth will he pull out this year?
- Lauri Korpikorpiskakakakoski. I just wanted to write that.
- Lee Stempniak used to play of the Leafs. That should tell you everything you need to know.
- I've always wondered if Vernon Fiddler plays the fiddle or just fiddles with something a lot? What is he fiddling with? His cock?
- Mikkel Bødker is Danish, therefore I hate him.
- Paul Bissonnette is a douchebag. He is not funny. Please stop retweeting his crap.
- I thought Robert Lang was on this team, but just being his own hidden self. I was wrong.

The team Gary refs
We all know they're gonna be against us. They're gonna be incompetent. They're gonna be wrong. They're gonna call everything on us and let Doan run around. They'll let the Garys players stand on Jimmah, but penalize Homer and steal his goals if he looks at Bryzgalov the wrong way. That's okay, we can overcome that.

Dealing witht he Garys fans
They are douches. We know that. There are a few hardcores and I'd feel bad for them about the impending move if it wasn't for the way they act. Then there are the playoff bandwagoners. Look for them to be disrespectful, unknowledgeable and ranty.

Should you happen to go to the game in Phoenix and meet such a fan, here are some responses you can use when they whine about you taking over their arena:
- Uh, if you guys had enough fans there wouldn't be place for us
- We kinda really fund your team, so we have as much right to be here as you do.
- Eleven cups, baby. Eleven. What? What a cup is? Hahahahahaha
- Relax, let's be friends! Sit down and I'll explaint the icing rule for you!
- *Throws octopus onto the ice*
- So you're a hardcore, huh? So you're moving with the team to Winnipeg then?
- *Start singing Oh Canada*

I assume that the Wings come to play. If not, we are toast. But they are gonna come to play. We have more talent, more experience and better fans. Thus, we take it in five.

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